Why I Burned Out Instead of Asking for Help
I never thought ministry burnout would happen to me.
But a year ago I resigned my church and relocated my family of five (soon to be six) back home in order to recover from just that.
I carried with me more than my belongings. The Uhaul of my life was groaning beneath the weight of deep hurt, confusion, and a very real fear that I might not make it back spiritually to the person I once was.
It’s been over a year now and I’m doing so much better. By the grace of God, I’m on the road to recovery. I’m a better father, husband, and Christian than I was a year ago.
God is also reigniting my passion and re-framing my calling. I’ve got a way to go but I’m headed pointed and headed in the right direction. I’m excited about what God has in my future. Which is something I couldn’t say a year ago.
Refusing Help
During a round of golf recently I relayed a portion of my ministry burnout story to a friend. His response is the inspiration behind this post. He said “I’m so sorry I didn’t offer to help you during that time. I had no idea you were that bad off.”
I’ve known this guy since we were kids but I don’t see him very often. Although our friendship isn’t intimate, he sincerely did regret not helping me. He really did hurt for me – a sentiment which touched me deeply.
I thanked him for his empathy and relayed to him why I never gave him (or anyone else for that matter) a chance to step in and pull me out of my ever-worsening predicament. He could have. And I know he would have. But I never asked him to. Why not?
I didn’t ask for help because I didn’t know how bad off I was until it was too late.
I was the proverbial frog in the kettle.
How Ministry Burnout Sneaks Up On You
If you’re not familiar with The Frog in the Kettle , here’s the Wikipedia synopsis:
The boiling frog is an anecdote describing a frog slowly being boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. The story is often used as a metaphor for the inability or unwillingness of people to react to or be aware of threats that occur gradually.
When I planted LifePoint Church in 2008, the water was fine. By about year three, however, the water started to heat up.
How the Heat Turns Up
Here are a few things that incrementally turned up the flame
First – FAILURE
Over about a two-year span, there was a slow but sure trickle of people out the door and not many came in. Especially in the way of conversions.
Second – FINANCIAL PRESSURE
Due to the loss of people, we began to struggle financially.
Third – GROWING FAMILY
It goes without saying that our children are an unspeakable blessing. The amount of financial, physical, and emotional demand that raising them brings cannot be ignored, however. We had three bundles of joy during this time span.
Fourth – GOING BI-VOCATIONAL
Due to the financial pressure, I added teaching public school to pastoring. There were many things I loved about teaching but it was an emotional and physical drain every single day. Not to mention a major diversion of my focus on ministry.
Fifth – SICK CHILD
My oldest son began having terrible seizures at four years old. He almost died during one of them. It was hard to not be on edge constantly, wondering when the next one would hit. His medication had challenging side effects as well…it basically made him a wild child…I mean a really, really, wild child!
Sixth – MORE FINANCIAL PRESSURE
Birthing children. Neurological appointments. MRI’s. Seizure Meds. Ambulance Rides. Diapers. Wipes. Repeat. (That stuff ain’t cheap)
THE NET INCREASE OF STRESS OVER TIME
In a vacuum, the list above could appear to be just a normal progression of life. So let me pause here and say three things:
- First, I’m very blessed. Many people face things so much more challenging than I. My point in writing this list is not to whine about my plight but point out the mechanics of how stress escalates.
- Second, I’m not advocating that you run for hills at the first, second, or third sign of adversity in your life. I believe in resilience, work ethic, and flexibility. I also believe, of course, that a faith response to our trials makes us stronger.
- Third, there are lots of positives on this list. Having and raising children is a joy. Teaching school alleviated financial pressure, provided ministry opportunity daily, and brought a sense of achievement. I pastored a great bunch of people who loved me and I them.
The problem with the list is that there was a significant net increase in stress over the course of several years.
For every extra pressure that was piled onto my plate, there wasn’t enough taken off to maintain a semblance of balance. And before I knew it, the water was boiling. I was battling depression. My heart was hard. I couldn’t connect with God.
In other words, I had a severe case of ministry burnout.
Escaping Ministry Burnout at All Costs
Although the decision to stand up in front of the flock that I shared such a beautiful bond with for 7.5 years was the hardest one I’ve ever made, it also saved my life.
Yes, I prayed about taking less radical options such as taking a sabbatical or bringing in another minister to fill the pulpit while I caught my breath.
The extreme measure of stepping away from pastoral ministry, uprooting my life, and returning home wound up being my only course of action, however. Why?
Because I let the water get too hot. I was too far gone emotionally, physically, and spiritually for a minor course correction to suffice. I had to make a radical change to survive.
WHY I DIDN’T ASK FOR HELP
So why didn’t I ask for help earlier in the process? Perhaps doing so could have prevented many sleepless nights. I probably could have avoided being pulled down into the black hole of depression for days at a time if I had just cried out. Maybe my wife’s hair would not have fallen out like it did if I had said something.
So why didn’t I? What didn’t I just ask for help?
Sure, I have the male ego thing, I have the independent streak thing, and a bunch of other things that played some role into me not getting help.
But the main reason I didn’t ask for help is that I didn’t know just how hot the water was becoming.
Are You Currently a Risk for Burnout?
My hope in writing this post is to help someone jump out of the kettle long before I did.
I can’t tell you when to jump ship.
I can’t tell you when a minor course correction is all you need. But then, I don’t need to. An honest audit of your heart will tell you all you need to know. And that’s what you need to get serious about.
My plea for you today is to wake up and do a painfully precise temperature check of your life. Everyone’s situation is different. Everyone’s threshold for pain is different. Everyone’s calling is different.
But the boiling point of water is no respecter of person. It’s always 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
What’s your temperature?
I would love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to leave a comment below.
Thank you Bro, I felt your heart and I have experienced some of the burn in the past. It is real. Love you and so happy for the family God has blessed you with. You are succeeding!
Thanks for the encouraging words Brady. Hope you and Anna are doing well.
Excellent article. The question I have is what help someone could have provided that would have affected the outcome?
Paul, I’m going write a post on this in the future. In short, help me not be isolated for long periods of time.
If I had gotten people to come in and preach for me and visit with me and my family for the weekend, that would have been a game changer.
When you’re burning out your thinking begins to trend downward toward negativity, defeatism, and hopelessness. Conversation and prayer with people whose faith is high has the ability to pull yours back up.
The affects burning out had on PKs. Lots of them never want to be in ministry because of the affects it had on mom and Dad. Pray for our PKs. Beautiful testimony. Lord heal his soul, mind, marriage, and finances!
Very well said Darlene. My children were a huge part of my decision-making process.
I want them to grow to love ministry not despise it.
Thank you Jathan for sharing. My wife and I are planting an church and trusting to launch in Feb. of 2017. Your words have helped and may even curb some unwarranted stress by simply asking for help.
I will let you know I’ve always admired you. From the first time I heard you speak at the youth service at LA. Family camp to the time I met you at Vito and Rachel’s home in Chi-town. You have an originality and genuiness in the way you conduct yourself that helps other bring their guard down. I trust your walk with Jesus will continue to help others.
Thanks for your kind words Eric. It gives me joy to hear that you have already applied to your thinking what you picked up on in my post. Surround yourself with a network of support…then, yes, ask ask ask ask…when you need help.
Blessings
Jathan we prayed for you long ago, the little Saturday morning prayer group. You may have been in boiling water but we prayed for you before you even took on teaching, marrying, children, etc. God had you, waiting on you to make the decision for you and your family
June, words cannot express my gratitude for you all rescuing my destiny with your prayers.
Been there.
My wife and I started a church and pastured for 9 years. Adopted 3 kids and worked bivocationally too. I noticed the water was starting to boil when we couldn’t get elders on board with actually being responsible for carrying part of the weight of the church. We felt God nudge us on, so we closed up shop and moved to a city where a friend was restructuring an old withering church.
We should have rested. Recouped. Caught our breath. Let God heal and restore us … But we didn’t.
We were so excited to be part of a real team on mission, and the needs were extremely obvious, so we jumped in and started helping, leading, etc.
That seemed like a good and practical at the time idea but I regret it now.
After 3 years, the water is boiling … I’m just now realizing how badly my wife and I still need a season of rest and healing.
This revelation has come only because I’ve spent the last 2 weeks laid up after an accident. Thinking, waiting, hurting … it’s been a very good time easing into letting go … of my own plans for my life. I thank God that he’s causing me to let go, even though I’m afraid I’m losing a part of who I am, my identity. And now, as I look forward I wonder who I’ll become. Who my wife will become. Not in a negative way, but with some unexplainable undeniable hope that it’s gonna be good … for us and for everyone we encounter.
That’s the healing I’m expecting will come to those who rest in Him.
Thanks for the comment Tobias. I applaud you for realizing now that you should not have rushed back into a ministry load so soon. I agree with your assessment.
It sounds like God is giving you and opportunity to regroup. And yes, take care of your wife!
Blessings.
Such a powerful statement! My dad resigned in 2009. As a family, we went through the uncertainty and the inevitable feelings of failure that accompanied that decision. But I know I personally have grown in ways that I never would have if my father had stayed and become (in his own words) a “hireling”. Yes, we faced financial and emotional stress, but God has remained our faithful Father and Provider. When the unthinkable becomes our reality, it allows us to throw our hands up and surrender to the path God has laid out for us all along.
I can so relate to the feelings of failure that follow walking away.
I can now relate to the feeling of God opening unexpected doors as he recreates us for a new season. Donavon Hill told me that God was going to creat a “Jathan 2.0”.
I’m seeing the beginnings of that and praying the same for you all.
Glad to hear you’re doing better. I was torn when I heard you resigned, because I know how great a minister you really are. I’ll never forget the prayer meetings we had in your living room, and the faith that was so evident. I was going through hell on earth while in Ruston, (mostly due to my irresponsibility) trying to raise a child while I was one myself. But my comfort always came when I was around you and the Lifepoint church. Words can’t describe the peace that came through your ministry. After leaving Ruston, my life spiraled out of control, but through the prayers of my dad and pastor and the saints, and by the grace of God, I came back to God 4.5 years ago. Since then, I have prayed countless prayers for you and your family. Love you and your family dearly and just wanted you to know how great an impact y’all have had on the people you have been around. God Bless
Thanks for much for giving me the behind -the-scenes commentary of your time in Ruston. It is encouraging to know that God ministered to you at LifePoint.
I can tell that God has brought about tremendous growth in your life. Keep pressing.
Man, thank you for your transparency. Being painfully honest with ourselves is the hardest, yet most important, thing those of us in ministry can do.
My burnout showed up in the way of anxiety and panic disorder. At my lowest point, I suffered from agoraphobia and depersonalization. It completely shut my ministry down. I had to stop doing anything for a period of time. I stopped full-time ministry for almost 2 years.
Until about a year ago, I swore to myself and my wife and I would never do full-time ministry again. Recently, things have shifted and I’m grateful my perspective has changed.
Because of a growing family (similar to yours), finances are still an issue. But God has opened some doors that are changing that.
Burnout is a very real thing. I’m sorry you had to walk that road. But I’m grateful that you are able to use your story as a testimony to help others.
Thank you!
Richie, I’m speechless after reading your post. I always knew you as a very confident and gifted I individual.
It goes to show that none of us are immune.
I can also relate to the feeling of never wanting to be in full-time ministry again.
Keep me posted on the progress you are making. I know you have so much to offer. I pray God continues to supply and heal and strengthen.
Jathan,
I’ve known you most of my life, but like many others, in both our lives I’m sure, we failed to keep in touch over the years. I saw some of your posts and status updates on social media in recent years, but just because I’ve known who you are and your background as a younger man doesn’t actually mean I’ve truly “known” you over the past 15 years or so. Our lives took separate paths way back then.
It was truly a wonderful surprise to see you at POM about a year ago, and while we hadn’t seen each other in years, I sensed something was different in your spirit. Or at least the vibrant spirit I recalled you having in previous years. I apologize for not capitalizing on that moment and observation to use it as an opportunity to pray with you at that exact moment. However, I have prayed for you and your family many times since.
Thank you for sharing your experiences of burn out and the boiling frog position. Though my previous profession of law enforcement was not a “ministry” in terms of preaching and teaching God’s word to the lost, I do feel it was a ministry in its own rights. But, like you, after years of stress and the increasing financial strains of a growing family (and a growing family IS a wonderful blessing), I too became burned out. Like you, I continued in that arena until I could no longer deal with those burdens. Far beyond the boiling point of burn out even.
I know that walking away is and can be extremely difficult and taxing, but at times it is a necessity. Keep your chin up. God has a bigger and better plan. Though the process is not always fun, it is always productive of a better product. Remember that gold is put through fire to be purified, but there’s not a fire hot enough to destroy gold.
I’m glad that things have begun to make corrective turns for you. Congrats on the upcoming addition to the family. I also offer condolences on the recent loss of your grandmother. She was a wonderful woman of God and a great lady.
I invite you to contact me any time you need someone to talk to, or even to play a round of golf with. I’m always up for the occasion, either way. God bless you as you continue along your journey, and in the words of my mother, “keep your head up and remember, you are the head, not the tail”.
Thanks Jonathan. Yes, I was I tough, broken place when I saw you that day.
And you are right, burnout is not just isolated to the ministry. It sounds like you were in a very emotional taxing situation as well.
It was. But I realized that God doesn’t remove things from our lives without replacing it with something better. Walking by faith during that process is a lot easier said than done sometimes though. But when it feels like you can’t find Him, never forget he always knows where you are, and always remember the teacher is quiet during the tests. God bless.
Thank you for talking about this. It’s real. But thank God for His Mercy and Grace. I’m believing for great things in your future. You didn’t go through any of it by accident. There are many people that will be able to help. More compassion to show and equipped with knowledge and understanding about this less talked about reality that 1000’s of ministries face. You were a success the moment you said YES!! When you went you were God’s man!! And today you are still God’s man. And you are your wife’s man and your kids daddy!! I admire your honesty and appreciate you opening up to us. May the Lord direct you. I’m so happy that you are out of the boiling pot and on your way to recovery. What a mighty God we serve!!
Thank you JR. I love the faith tone that you project.
Beautifully written. I applaud your decision to get healthy, emotionally, and spiritually. You’ve set an excellent example for others to follow….too many don’t just burn out, they catch fire and scorch their marriages and the relationships with their children.
Praying Gods richest blessings on you and your precious family.
Rachel, I love your powerful extension of the metaphor…”…many don’t just burn out, they catch fire and scorch their marriages and the relationships with their children.”
By the Grace of God I stopped at the burnout part. My passion is to help others do so as well.
Our batch of frogs are still kicking but the water is so hot. There is no where to leave to. We are completely at HIS mercy and the grace of the people around us. Our jobs, our finances, our children and entended family, our family’s health, our home, our ministry, our faith, and our walks with God have been through nine months of constant fire. There has been cancer and wrecks and laws suits and layoffs and robberies and betrayal and still ….. We stand and proclaim that GOD IS GOOD…. But when is enough enough?
Sounds like the water is hot for sure. I felt to share this scripture with you. Hope it blesses.
1 Corinthians 10:13
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
I’m praying for that timely “way of escape” for you and your family.
God bless.
Excellent article, beautifully written. Over the past 21 years of pastoring, we have been on the verge of burnout several times.
But God has provided us with amazing friends who pastor as well (you are one of them). We have learned that being transparent-especially when you feel like a failure- is so healing.
Our friends are equally transparent. We don’t just share stories of victories, but also of defeats. We discuss low crowds, loss of momentum, and the summer slump. Most of all, we understand that we are not alone in our battle.
Truth is, we all struggle. But to struggle alone is similar to being smothered slowly.
I pray that ministers everywhere can find a group like we have. Where they can be transparent and not fear that they will be ostracized. Where healing can occur- long before burnout.
Thank you again for sharing. We love you and Sara!
So well said Paula. Without changing my lifestyle in order to have more access to supportive friends and family I would still be caught up in the vicious cycle. I pray God will connect others to “their people” meant to help carry their burdens.
I can testify to Jeremy’s comments because I have heard his prayer for you and your family with my own ears and also witnessed a great life change.
I do completely understand we never truly know the ins and outs and whys and why nots of others unless they are expressed.
I ask about you periodically for more than one reason but the #1 reason is because I believe you were a God send for Jeremy as his pastor and you should understand that your season with Jeremy was invaluable. He needed what you gave.
You may have relocated for particular reasons but there are many out there that would say thank you for all you sacrificed. You were effective. I am one of them.
You know how to contact me in the future. When you have something brewing (no pun intended) give me a shout.
Didn’t proofread my name. Alan not Alab 😳 In post above
Lol I got it.
Wow! Thanks so much for that insight. As a minister you often never know the impact you might be having. Thanks for bringing that to light. Very humbling.
Thank you Jathan..thank you so much for helping hundreds who are facing depression, anxiety, guilt just because they refuse to cry out for help.. Praying blessings on you!
Thanks Vani. I pray they do and find healing and lay hold of their future.
Thank you for your ministry.
I think I’m a frog in boiling water!!! I just realized I may need help running my business by reading this…. Thanks for writing.
Burnout is no respecter of professions!! Praying for God to give you wisdom Jade. See ya soon.
Sitting on the side lines and watching you go down was heart breaking as well. Watching it happen to someone you love and admire and not knowing what to do to help is awful. When we left Covington a few weekends ago, we were all saying how happy you look. So glad you are back to the old Jathan we love and make fun of! From one of your faithful flock 😃
Wow April. I guess there is that additional layer of the way it effects those around you. I knew it was paining my wife. I didn’t think about the degree to which it impacted you guys.
Thanks for loving me and making fun of me 😜
Payback…one day.
I love you and your growing family Jathan, praying for God’s will to be done in y’all’s lives. God is Good all the time!
Thanks so much Melissa. You are so right. I’m so thankful God has been good to me in times where I haven’t been all that good to Him.
Bro. Jathan,
I’ve enjoyed reading your blog very much!
Loneliness in ministry is deadly. Jesus sent out the disciples 2X2 for a reason. We need encouragement and emotional support. Thank you for your transparency. I think this is one of the main reasons for attrition in Global Missions, as well as North American Missions. We need each other to share and encourage in our common problems. We are not islands unto ourselves.
Many Blessings upon your journey. With a doubt, the Lord has His hand on you and your precious family! Blessings from Benin! Danan Benson
Thanks so much for your comment. I had no idea, although it does make perfect sense, that this was such a challenge in the mission field.
It’s my passion to be used in some way to rescue someone’s ministry and family rather than them become a permanent casualty.
Thanks for this great post! As an evangelist, I hear frustrations from pastors of small churches and my heart goes out to them. 2 things I observe often:
1) I often observe that they need to be bi-vocational to some degree (even a part-time job or venture) but feel the peer-pressure to be “full-time”. To make this happen, their wife has to work which further strains the family dynamic. We’ve created a culture among the ministry and laity that you are a lesser minister if your not “full-time”. God has no part-time ministers. Paul is our Apostolic example of a bishop, pastor, evangelist, and missionary and even he had seasons where he went bi-vocational.
2) No Assistant or Pastoral Assistants even on a volunteer or part-time status. Did you plant the church alone, or did you bring in other ministry families who could teach, preach, and lead from the beginning or early on?
I’d love to hear your thoughts on these. We must bear one another’s burdens and not let ministry traditions become weights that are unnecessary.
Lots of great insights and questions Justin.
1. Bivo is always a tricky proposition. As I mentioned in the article, getting a teaching job was good for me financially and evangelically. On the other hand, it cut me off from those relational opportunities with other friends and ministers that poured into me. One thing I do know: FINANCES are a huge player.
2. Right on about help from an assistant. I had a wonderful assistant or I would not have made it as long as I did, in as good of shape as I did. He had never preached and was single when he came to help me. I developed him over five years. He and his family of four were voted in as pastor when I left. The church is growing under him.
I could write a whole book on this idea you touched on, however. Going into a city alone or with a team that is not a good fit for you is to set oneself up for failure in most cases.
Thank you for your ministry. I’m sure you strengthen many people out there in the field.
Thanks for sharing! If people were just more transparent, we wouldn’t feel as though we were failures. We would realize everyone at one time or another struggles. Facades of perfection not only hurt those that portray them, but those who are afraid to just be real for fear of being labeled a “failure.” God help the body to stop competing and comparing. I pray your family health, wholeness, healing and the joy of the Lord as your strength. You’ve been a blessing as a lot of these posts attest to. Bless you!
Thanks so much Kelley. The “failure” thing is often a hang up in us men especially. You are right on with your assessment that comparisons and facades exacerbate the problem. Somehow we’ve got to find a way to be passionate and righteous…yet be authentic in our humanity and flawed nature simultaneously.
Amen…😔
I’m sure that your blogging with transparency is already reaching many. May the Lord bless you and guide you in your endeavors!
Thank you Danan. Are you guys still in Africa? How are things going?
I know I’m late in reading this, but I felt to comment. I left a church 1 year ago because the Pastor was past being burnt out. His speech had become negative and cynical, and he was obviously disappointed in the church people…spoke to us like we were stupid for not “getting this” yet. He’s still there, but I’m not. My husband and I have a young family that needs encouragement, not cynicism. If only I was the only one gone, but every other young couple have moved on as well, some moved away, so to not living for God at all. My heart is sick about it. Thanks for writing this post.
Amazing comment. Thanks for sharing. Burnout has a trickle-down effect for sure. It not only effects its victim, but his/her family and even congregation as you have pointed out.
I can’t speak for others, but walking away and getting help was a monumental decision in my life.
I just HAD to get better in order to be the husband, father, and Christian that I needed to be.
It’s been 20 months now, and I’m in such a better place. When I lay my head on my pillow at night I have such a peace in knowing that God has given me the grace to be the PERSON I need to be for my loved ones.
Simultaneously, the church I left is thriving under its new pastor. That also gives me great joy.
I pray that God leads and guides your family to an oasis in this trying time.