How To Pursue Your Passion Without Making Your Kids Hate You
No Child “Left Behind”
Jerry B. Jenkins once jumped into the pool with his children while donning his suit and tie.
The “Left Behind” author came home from work one day to find his children in the backyard pool beckoning him to join in.
So he did. And in so doing made a family memory that they all talk about to this day.
The best-selling author tells this story to illustrate how he never put the work he loved ahead of the people he loved.
In fact, as far as I’m concerned Jerry Jenkins set the gold standard for all of us who aspire to build a new skill while working a day job and raising a family.
Before the author sold a single one of his now seventy million copies, he was just like you and me, deliberately practicing a skill in the margins of his demanding life. Jerry’s four children are now grown and he firmly believes that the sole reason he has such good relationships with them as adults is directly attributed his strict adherence to the following, self-imposed rule.
“I never worked on my writing when my children were at home and awake. My routine was to write between 9 pm and midnight.”
(Jerry’s words on this episode of The Portfolio Life podcast with Jeff Goins are well worth a listen.)
Sticking to this routine allowed Jenkins to both achieve his professional writing dream and keep his family close, something another bestselling author calls, “having it all.”
You Can Have It All
I asked best-selling author and popular blogger Jeff Goins about the sacrifices required of him to build such a massive audience and attractive body of work while working a day job and raising a family.
Here’s what he had to say.
To be fair, I don’t think I “sacrificed tons.” I think that kind of thinking can be dangerous. I didn’t flake out (on) my wife or my family. I did get up early and work late most nights for about two years. And I gave up most hobbies during that time.
My wife would probably say that I could have been more present during that time. And she would be right. I regret some of those sacrifices (keep in mind, I was building this thing while my wife was pregnant). In fact, I even slowed things down when she gave me some feedback during that time.
I do think you can “have it all” in the sense that you don’t have to sacrifice everything that matters to you to succeed. But I also think you have to have a clear idea of what those non-negotiables are and plan around that.
I don’t disagree with Jeff’s idea that you can “have it all”. But I also believe that the road to such a prize is littered with booby traps, pitfalls, and red herrings.
I speak from recent experience.
No Time to Play Games
I’ve never jumped into a pool with my kids dressed to the nines as a sign of my devotion to them, but I recently left my work to languish in favor of a game of Connect Four. Does that count?
During the fall, Daylight Savings Time afforded me what I thought would be an extra hour of writing.
Bypassing the extra hour of sleep, I rose at my normal time in order to pound away at the keys and polish off a piece I’d been working on. This piece, in fact.
After the first hour of writing, I took a break and, to my surprise, found that my wife had gotten up extra early also. She was in the kitchen preparing a few dishes for a party later that day. As it turned out, she was all out of butter.
Being the wonderful husband that I am, I saved her some time by making the supermarket run in her stead. “No problem,” I thought. “I’ve still got plenty of time to write when I get back.”
After returning with the butter, no sooner than my rear hit the chair my phone began ringing. I don’t usually have my phone at my desk, but this time I was glad I did.
As it turned out, a sick family member was in an emergency situation and needed my help.
I shot out the door, lent a helping hand, and hurried back home a half-hour later.
“No problem, I’ve still got time to make some headway on that draft,” I thought as I walked up the sidewalk to my front door.
But that’s not what happened.
No sooner than I breached the threshold, my six-year-old, who, you guessed it, had also gotten up extra early, accosted me with a huge, beaming smile and asked, “Daddy, will you play Connect Four with me!”
My first thought was, “Can’t I catch a break around here! How am I supposed to win the Pulitzer Prize if my family keeps interrupting me?”
Thank God for those second thoughts.
Beautiful Tension
A few games into competitively lining up black and red checkers in a plastic grid with a trap-door at the bottom I finally caught the irony of what I’d just experienced.
In the process of writing a piece on work/family balance, I got interrupted three times by mine.
And although I’m proud of the way I eventually responded, my first reaction was to alienate my people in favor of my work.
I suspect it will always be this way. Such tension will be a constant refrain as long as I have dreams to chase and people to love.
But that’s a good thing.
Because I’m my best version of me when I’m doing both.
I suspect the same might be true for you as well.
I appreciated this article, Jathan. I know there have been times I’ve spent too long on a project and didn’t choose the best option. And there have been other times I chose more wisely. I love it that we get 2nd and 3rd chances to do the right thing.
Amen to that, Anne. How are you feeling?
Great writing. I really like your treatment of the tension between “dreams to chase and people to love.”
Thanks so much. Yes, that tension is ever present and, I think, impossible to completely eradicate. Yet I do believe it is in reach for us to effectively manage and live without those huge regrets. Although, it is not easy.